Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
not ubering you a puppy
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
