Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
