i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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