Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we're making bets on your personal life
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
