I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
