what if every blade of grass was a penis?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
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