new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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