you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
