you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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