Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
