i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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