I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
