you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
