I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
