I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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