I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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