how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
