I accidentally burped into my bong.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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