My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
