I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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