You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
