Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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