You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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