I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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