it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
