mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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