can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
