the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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