the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
