i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
