My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
