First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
