im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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