i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
