I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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