well you can't waste a boner
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
