Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
