I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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