Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
