I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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