You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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