Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
