I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
