I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
