I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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