You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i love accidental penises.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
