I am spending my child support on dildos
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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