you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
