so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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