Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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