The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
