We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
