I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Found your dick twin last night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
