Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
