Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
