i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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