so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
