Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
