I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
